October 18th 2020
I decided to do this as a catharsis, a test if you will. I decided to put a little bit more of myself on here, to talk to you freely and openly. I’ve been really ruminating on the idea of self-forgiveness lately, and I have been finding myself stumped with it. It seems so simple, when I hear the vowels in my mouth, a simple phrase, but when I put it into practice I find myself playing this game with myself—a blame game of sorts. I don’t have a problem forgiving others, that is not so much the issue. I understand life happens, and it doesn’t stop for anyone, and we make decisions based on a specific given algorithm of our lives at the time. But for me, what’s been hard, is trying to prove to myself that I am not damaged because of my mental illness. I am not a burden, or unloveable because of it. Even typing these words out, I find myself cringing at some of the moments I’ve had in a manic state. I remember going to a bar in a bathrobe multiple times, or only drinking whiskey on the rocks that month and watching solely 50’s womans wrestling. But the finer details are harder for me to place like if I remembered to eat that week. I do truly feel like I am out of the woods with it all, but again, my life has to be in a constant state of
—are you being careful? —are you being smart? —are you checking in with yourself?
When I hear the words forgiveness come out of my mouth, I do get hopeful for all the life that is to come and all the joys that are to come. I know there are good aspects that will come, I am sure of it. I can’t be mad at myself forever. I shamed myself for getting cancer, it’s like, at some point will I just say, enough with the blame game. I’ve had enough. It’s not like I came for redemption, and I never thought it would be granted to me anyways. I’ve always bled in sticks of purple lipstick and spit. Scribbles of my name in the edges of the invoice. I’ve been entering the void for ten years now, and I have a feeling it just keeps going. It’s like the time I was playing Stratego with my Dad, and he’s like, “are you ready?” and I had just strategically arranged all my pieces, only to have him yell at the top of his breath, “charge!” and he pushed all his pieces forward in a fast gallop, which clearly is not how you play Stratego but I was so busy laughing and so full of love at this small gesture that it didn’t even matter. He had made my day. Somedays when I feel sad, I think about this moment, and how it really is the little things.