NITRIOUS OXIDE 7%

A year’s worth‑‑ a thousand words, swords of steel and soot and touts amis and alpha and omega and om, and mega like Sonic, aluminum like I wish I was reusable, trying to morph into a reusable container, like beeswax paper, trying to conserve at the same time?

 Am I allusive? Or a sieve cylinder of light and dark, purple and maroon, violet and lilac, coral and canary-- the day and the night. All making the colors of the rainbow, I’ll nair and bow, you’ll hair and how | you can have the crown—woman warriors conquering planets, and I fall down my own rabbit hole, the alchemy comforting. I work my way out for years, and years, and sometimes misstep but I find my way back here, living this life of identity, identity what does it mean? I’ve always known you were better.

From the day I saw you leave in that cop car, I always knew it, but I couldn’t save you. I watched as you drove off, I cried like a 3rd grader cries, not understanding something that they were never taught. I will never understand your identity because I don’t understand mine. I don’t need to tell you I am fragile because I have always been breakable glass, shattering with looks, piercing my flesh. I keep running. I’ve been missing you like sitting on handlebars, biking down hills, I stay missing you. This silly game we play, of duck duck goose. I love love. I love to see it, I love to be in it, I love to respect it. I love dynamics, and particularity of choices and knowing what you want. I love knowing when I want decaf coffee or matcha, verses salmon or pizza. I want humanity to survive, incredibly sensitive, always fighting for the words I cannot find, but I know that are there. The happiest moments I have are with my family but my wingspan keeps stretching, and I’m getting better. I’ve been shrinkwrap, but I am trying to w(rap) shrink, rinse my ink in my own blood. Sakun, Hudu, less Thubat, Risciacquo, Scicquare, Cachet this pamphlet, of trying to be ample. I’ve always needed someone to hit me with an assist, pass the ball, but I’m too scared to take what has never been mine, and always been hers but I cannot mind read through his eyes. We keep up this charade of not telling each other, choosing the right thing. What is the right thing? But a very thing, based on the other persons actions? I see wrong, I see right. I see repell the police, I see police repelling, it goes on and on and on, and each die the mother in me dies a little more. It’s easy to break at a cruel world, it’s easy to look and say I just don’t know. I think we know. I keep trying to love you, you keep trying to love me but this goes back to middle school shit, passing notes|jumping up to fast impulse verses calculated, ah I’ve done that a lot.

 Living life in CAPS or an underscore?  The sky stays yellow, but I stay low and watch it. I look up and ask am I an artisan, am I sand? I can’t be sand because I see it, beautiful and rocky, sitting on the shoreline, the ores beckon me in the canoe, and I say yes. The skies are full of hope and wonderful yellow dusk, the trees stand sturdy and varied in size, memorized by your eyes, and how much I love you. My narrative keeps changing. I try to watch, and rest, and hug you closer, but I can feel the compass between us, you look like me through the screen, but I stay far enough to give you your ennui, as you give me mine. 

Splinters of my sentiment’s cements and dents my stubborn flesh that is my technicolor realm. I am ascetic? I deny myself time and time again, laid out like uneven straws, like Tesla taxis and taxidermy, dermal inking my present, like a forgotten Splinter|Outside in the Winter. Parrots, and parents, sending and 

Spacing

And

Trusting & Chasing,

chaste or choice,

can both be permissible for your child?

Cause I, I have been missing you.

I have been pulling out Splinters, like lint, kneecap jutting out in the middle of the street, like PacMan running through my own strands of curls. I keep make tears and treats, all a part of this messy life. Somedays I feel underwater, like awe and under. What’s your blunder, is this just thunder?

Weather patterns of this stunning place, muzzled only by I? I keep emptying my organs, trying to cause less harm, but the truth is I never needed them. Tempt me again, I will respect you again, and we just play circles, of ineffectively loving you